How to Walk the Dog.

I wrote this as part of an application for Howcast.com. They produce how to guides, both serious and comical. Insert Max whenever you read Rex. Let me know what you think!

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Congratulations! Today is a new day. You have decided to reform your dog walking techniques. No more detached limbs or involuntary speed walking. When you finish this how to, you will have controlled, sedate walks. As a step in the right direction, we suggest you buy that book by that Dog Whisperer guy.

1) Open book.
2) Intending to turn straight to the chapter on dog walking, you find yourself sucked into the Red Zone chapter about bad behavior and the warning signs.
3) One hour later, see Rex’s squirrel induced trembling in a whole new way. The trembling is no longer cute, but a sign that at any moment, he will break on out into rabid dog mode and eat your car…with you in it.
4) Softly (so he doesn’t eat you) tell Rex to stop whining. You’ll go for a walk in just a bit.
5) Give up on the book
6) Watch the TV show for a couple hours instead…learn so much…
7) Finally you are ready to begin. Get off couch.
8) Step in Rex’s pee. Apparently he wasn’t whining out of anticipation.
9) Curse.
10) Clean up pee and try not to look Rex directly in the eye in case it sets off his raging inner beast. Suddenly his name, short for T-rex, is no longer cute either.
11) Get out leash out of hall closet.
12) Drop leash and leap into closet because Rex has finally achieved mania. All that bouncing and drool, he must be about to excise your knee caps.
13) Consult your trusty Dog Whisperer instruction guide and realize that it is excitement, not mania.
14) Step out of closet and look furtively around, hoping no one saw you hiding in the closet.
15) Use your commanding voice to tell Rex to sit. Instead he runs circles around you like a deranged bee.
16) Finally, as your command voice shifts into pitch of a deranged bee and you grab a hold of his collar, risking amputation, to snap on the leash.
17) Yank…whirl… face plant!
18) Yell at Rex to calm down while detangling his leash from around legs.
19) Remind self that the Dog Whisperer says that raising your voice is bad. (Because it is liable to wake Rex’s inner demon?)
20) Move collar up right under Rex’s chin, holding his head up like a little princess, just like Dog Whisperer says.
21) Make Rex stay while you exit first as “leader of the pack.”
22) Pick self off the front step and yell at Rex for tripping you in eagerness to exit.
23) Adjust collar to choke position and set off.
24) Stop while Rex fights the new leash position like a fish on the line.
25) Start again.
26) Ignore awful retching and choking noises coming from Rex because he is too stupid to realize that if he slowed down, he wouldn’t choke himself.
27) Ignore horrified looks from people who think you are choking your dog.
28) Hold head high as if you are the Queen of Sheba (Dog whisperer says bearing and body language convey that you are “the leader of the pack.”)
29) Curse as you trip over sidewalk and then over Rex.
30) Curse more as Rex takes the opportunity to get his nose to the ground and collar back in proper pulling position.
31) Curse profusely as Rex suddenly finds traction and pulls you along like a kite that can barely fly.
32) Resort to squealing at Rex to please, please stop! (So much for Queen of Sheba).
33) Manage to direct Rex to pull you home with well time jerks on the leash, like guiding a runaway horse.
34) Open door.
35) Get run down as, in a last effort to take control, you try to get through the door first.
36) Detach arm from leash and let Rex do whatever the hell he wants.
37) Get out shot glass.
38) Drink.
39) Find chiropractor in phone book to put arm back in socket.
40) Sneak up on Rex while he is sleeping and unhook leash.
41) Hide leash in closet before Rex wakes up and thinks you are going again.
42) Hide in closet with leash.
43) Tear useless and frightening book into little bits.
44) Eat little bits because you are hungry, yet afraid to come out of closet to get food.