I’m still alive!

I know, it’s been a while, but I have a good excuse. See, in among all the excitement of the last post from mid-November, I also found out I was pregnant. Now there are some women who are great at being pregnant. I am not one of those. Between three bouts of colds/flu and several months of morning sickness, I am simply glad that I was able to hold my place in life, meaning the house is still standing, no one starved and no irreparable damage was done. Now that I am starting to have good days again, it is amazing to me how many dreams and ambitions have returned. I hope that I can always remember how it feels to be in bad health and be thankful for the good days even if I don’t get anything accomplished. Anyway, I won’t give you any more details about the last three months because I am SOoooo tired of being sick, talking about being sick and thinking about sick.

            Even though I’ve have been mostly out of commission and BooBear has decided that naps are not her thing anymore, I have managed a get few things done. I am taking a figure drawing class with Lisa Semerad at the Torpedo Factory. It is a great class and I’m learning quite a bit, but I wish I could take a day time class. By 7pm, I am usually settling in for the night and it’s tough to keep up the interest after a long day with the toddler. I also have created a few crafty things, including 2 bracelets, earrings, necklace charm, and plaque and name cards for the sister-in-law’s wedding. I also edited 1.5 chapters of the novel. When I write it out like that, it doesn’t seem like much, but when I start to feel like that I have to remind myself that I also grew about 5 months worth of new human being. The due date is July 9 but I am hoping for a 7-6-13 birthday just because the numbers are cool. Oh yeah, I’ve been working more on my ice dragon. Here is the comparison. Lisa (from the art class I’m taking) suggested a darker background behind the dragon and it looks fantastic!

            Now that I have come back to life, so to speak, I have a lot of things I want to do, but I am going to prioritize a few. 1) Keep editing the novel. 2) Write a pitch for the upcoming Nano contest and hope I win their little lotto so I can get some free professional critiques. 3) Paint some picture matts for friends. 4) Prepare for the new baby and possible move. There are several other projects that I would like to work on, but they are pretty ambitious and maybe not the best focus, but… since I’m enthusiastic about them, I might not wait for a more prudent time. 1) Create a tree on the wall in Sabrina’s room for family photos. (Reason for not starting: we might move.) 2) Put some effort in a comic/blog and get it off the ground. (Reason against: should focus on the other stuff). 3) Paint pretty designs on Boo Bear’s furniture. (Reason against: Need someone to add another coat of paint before I can do decorative painting because I am supposed to stay away from paint fumes. 

Victory and Courage to Quit

So, November has been a very eventful month and it is only half over. As I often mention around this time of year, November is NationalNovel Writing Month and this year I was more prepared than I've ever been. This showed in my first week word count of about 2000 words per day, when previously I've struggled to get to the minimum of 1,667 words. Then week two came along and I began to struggle with one of the story tracks. Words would fly out on the other, but it was agonizing going for the problem track. Around this time, I got very sick, my cat died and a few other things came up and I fell behind. I would rally and catch up or catch up enough to make success still possible, but then fall behind again when I was too sick to write or my daughter wouldn't nap. Finally, I came to realize that I was walking a fine line between sanity and pushing myself to reach this goal that no one but myself cared about. In other words I was just making myself sicker and not dealing with the grief I felt over my cat. I contemplated quitting, but the reality was that I could have pushed myself through to achieve this goal of 50,000 words so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that I was a quitter. Here’s the thing -  people always celebrate the person who pushes through to achieve the impossible goal no matter what the cost and ostracize the person who quits, but I think it takes even more courage to quit than to keep going. At least I have always found it to be so. I feel as if I have let everyone down, let myself down and in general created a big void of disappointment. I would be easier to bottle up my own feelings than to disappoint and justify. Quitting is not easy for me and it was not easy this time, but in the long term, I will be better in regards to my mental and physical health and the novel I am writing will be better. I will have time to figure out what is wrong with the story instead of just pouring out bad drivel to get a word count. And I will finish this story. I always do. Each Nano novel I have written has been completed much later and is another 30-40K longer than the 50K nano goal. So, I am taking the pressure off and taking a break to feel better.

            However, it’s not all sad news from this quarter. My Fairy-kissed Acorns made it into the Small Works art show at the Torpedo factory. Victory is mine! I’m over the moon! Unfortunately, the reception fell right at the beginning of my cold and I couldn't rally myself to attend, make new acquaintances and spread my plague to as many as possible. I was extremely disappointed, but as if to make up for it, I received a nice letter in the mail from an admirer of my drawing. How often does that happen? I won’t copy the whole note here, even though I am tempted, but will mention that the words “luxury, beautiful and vibrant colors” were used in the letter. So nice!!!! I’m going to keep the note forever in my little art scrap book! So, if you are ever impressed with someone’s creation, please do not be afraid to tell them. I promise they will appreciate it. :)

            In conclusion, it has been a memorable month and will probably continue to be so. Keep tuned for whatever comes next. 

Fairy-Kissed Acorns

While walking at a local park, I came across acorns that were not the traditional brown or even the premature green, but a myriad of fall colors. Like a magpie, I collected pockets full. To prove the acorns were really this color, I took several photos, but I wanted to draw them from a still life. I had to get cracking before they turned to common brown acorns. Here is the result. This will be my next entry into the art league show and possibly into an online show. Except for some framing work, I am done with art for a while so I can participate in Nanowrimo.

                                                               Fairy-Kissed Acorns 

Butterfly of the week

Took longer than I thought, but here is the latest butterfly.

Art and rejection

 Today I was rejected from another show. To be fair there was about a 20% chance my art would be accepted based on the number of entries/space. I know fantastical art is not enthusiastically received at everyday galleries, but I decided to start trying again. For this first show, I didn’t enter my best work even though that is the rule. My best work is unframed, unfinished or in another show. I entered two pieces that I drew over ten years ago in hopes they would be accepted and sell so I wouldn’t have to move them around anymore. Again, I had little hope they would be accepted, but I was more disappointed by their rejection than I anticipated. While pondering why I should still feel so acutely for something that I drew over 10 years ago and that I knew was not my best work anymore, I came to a realization that those pieces of art work have become anchors weighing me down.

Allure of the Spinners

            How can I move forward with art work while I have all these pieces hanging about reminding me that I am not good enough yet? I can make all the excuses in the world such as the little exposure they have had and not finding the right art lover, but no matter what they really are, to me they have come to represent failure. They served their purpose to me while I was drawing them, but I should have moved them out of my life the minute I finished them, because now, after all these years have passed, I somehow feel as if I should be ashamed of them. Even though, when I look at them, I can still see past their faults into the beautiful bits and the joy I had in drawing them, but as soon as I stop looking at them they become the drawing that no one else likes. Since they are an extension of me, it becomes the part of me that no one else likes and then soon becomes a ridiculous declaration rattling around in my head that, “No one likes me.” All the while, the reality is that I have had many complements on them and people like me just fine independent of my art work. Still since they have become symbolic of failure instead of what they really are, the work of a young inexperienced artist, they must go. “Allure of the Spinners” will go to my mother and I will find a good and loving home for “In the Dust.” This show was the last chance for these two drawings.

In the Dust

But the thought of giving a drawing away is heart rending in its own way. All my drawings are my children and it is very hard to part with them sometimes. I’ve given others away, but I’ve given them to people who will appreciate them and treasure them. Unfortunately, there are a few drawings that I can’t imagine anyone liking enough to hang in their home and “In the Dust” is one of those. It is easier to imagine a stranger wanting to buy it than to figure out which friend will treasure it. What if I offer it to someone and they don’t like it? They might accept it out of politeness, look at it in horror and only hang it when I come for a visit. What if it ends up in the dumpster someday or is donated as one of those sad Goodwill pictures? How can I give it away when this might be its fate? I’d rather sell it to a stranger than risk giving it to a friend, because by paying the money for it the stranger has proved he wants to own it and love it, but I have yet to find that stranger. So, you see how I have chained myself to these ten year old drawings. I love them and they make me feel rejected all at the same time, but in the end they have to go. Good bye, little pieces of me. 

A Million Blue Butterflies

A couple months ago, I painted some blue butterflies and I liked them so much I've decided to paint a million more of them. So I have my start with a score of mini canvases to paint and here is my first butterfly.

Here is my work table covered in canvases in varying degrees of sky, cloud and so on..

Oil painting class projects

So here are a few paintings in varying degrees of completion from the class I took on color and oil painting. 

This is my first portrait with oils and even though it has problems, I am quite happy with it. BTW, she isn't angry. That is just the neutral face of a model that has to sit for 3 hrs while beginners squint at her from behind their easels. 

All in al, the class was a fun and interesting experience even though no one talked. 

Procrastination and its purpose

So I spend a lot of time not working while at my computer supposedly editing. There are too many breaks for tea and cookies and words with friends. In the month of August, where I had set a goal of editing a chapter a day for about 30 chapters, I have edited three. Many days I do something else instead of edit.

Yesterday, while doing a search and destroy for all the bad grammar habits I have, I stopped constantly to do something else. Then I realized something. My despair and self criticism would build up to a peak and I would want to quit because I was convinced I sucked and that I would never be a writer and that it would be embarrassing for anyone to read this drivel! At this point I would take an internet or words with friends break and then come back to my editing in a few minutes. So even though I am procrastinating for a majority of my allotted editing time, I am also moving forward. If I didn't take these little breaks for perspective, I would probably give up. So in reality facebook and words with friends is preserving my writing aspirations while making me the slowest editor on the planet.

So happy writing and happy procrastination!

Art and Color

I'm taking a painting class, all about color. It's half way through and while I feel as if I am learning new concepts, it hasn't answered in the social department. No one talks and there are times where I feel like screaming out at them, "I talk to a toddler all day. Please say something." But I don't and instead, I hand out candy in hope of making friends. Oh well. I'll have to buy friends with candy somewhere else. Here are the fruits of my labor. I liked the white urn, but please no more monochromatic stills.

And here is the ice dragon. I thought I would be done by now, but it is lacking that little something that makes it finished. So, I am putting it away for a while in hopes that the finishing touch will pop into my head. 

Editing – The final decision

So, after months of editing and rewriting I have decided to stop trying to salvage this version of the book. It was a hard decision to make and really took the last two months where I stepped away from the project to come to peace with it. Now that I’ve decided, I feel good about the choice.

            How did I just decide to throw away 6-8 months of work and start again? Well, it started when I just couldn’t keep editing the last quarter of my book. There was such a divide between the tone of the writing and the way the story had developed in my head. It was like try to paint over black wall paint. No matter how I changed things, the original tone of the book would show through. I also rewrote the first chapter for a writing workshop that I didn’t end up attending, but the first chapter was so much better as it was rewritten that I can’t go back to the original version. The tone is dark and fits the book. The characters are more real and instead of just going through the motions required by the plot, they are alive and feel the difficulty of their situation. I can’t wait to bring this through the whole book. So, yes, I am going to rewrite from scratch because I think the story and characters are worth it.

            And no, I don’t regret the time I've already spent on this project or the look at it as a waste of time. It was invaluable as a learning tool. Everything I have done on this book has been a huge step into making me into a better writer. First, it was the first book I ever finished and that is a huge accomplishment and still amazes me. I can look back at this book and still have that sense of wonder and accomplishment that I finished a book. Next, it forced me to take a critical look at my writing abilities and ask myself how I could improve. Taking the time to seek out ways to improve and learn was so important. This book has always been a “Throw Away” book (meaning I wasn’t emotionally attached to the idea and so wasn’t afraid of screwing it up). This idea gave me the freedom to learn without self criticism. Now, I think I’ve learned and am ready to move on and try again. Of course, the years I have spent with these characters and their story has changed my feelings towards the story and is no longer a throw away book, but I think I have grown enough as a writer to not be terrified at the thought of trying to write a good book. I am sure that terror will return sometime in the future, but right now I am excited to begin again.